Me Time: Moms discuss how they decompress from the hectic lives raising kids

Posted: 30 Jul 2010 10:13 AM PDT

On weekday mornings, Chalan Pago resident Darlene Larimer rises by 6:30 a.m and gets her 9-year-old daughter Risa ready for school. Leaving her home no later than 7 a.m. she begins her daily commute to Inarajan Middle School, where she works as a school administrator. After the day's work, she heads out by 4:30 p.m. and makes the drive back to Chalan Pago.

When she arrives home, there's dinner to manage. While she loves to cook, sometimes it's just too much work, and often the family goes out. After dinner, it's time to get ready for the next day. She sends her daughter to bed by 8:30 p.m., and turns in herself by 9 p.m.

On the weekends, there's piano lessons for her daughter, as well as highly prized family time. When it comes to alone time, she, like many moms, often comes up short.

"I guess the most time I have for myself, really, is my commute to work," says Larimer. "It's about 30 minutes."

Larimer's story is a familiar one to many moms.

"I'm with them seven days a week," says full-time Yigo mom Nina Augustine, who homeschools her two sons, Jerimiah, 9, and 4-year-old Caleb.

Dededo resident Buffi Bark just quit her job as a preschool teacher at Saint Paul Christian School to start her own daycare. On top of raising two teenage kids and staying involved in her church, the enterprise doesn't leave her much free time. Still, even running a business doesn't compare to having young children.

"I have a lot more free time than I did when I was younger," says Bark.

Having kids can be an amazing, rewarding experience, but it's also a full-time job, and one that can leave moms with little or no mental space of their own. For many moms, getting that all-important "me time" seems to be an out-of-reach luxury.

As women who have all experienced the pressures of raising kids, the three friends sat down last week to discuss the challenges they face, not just as moms, but as women seeking space for adult reflection.

Shut the door

Now that her 18-year-old son Isaac can drive, Burk says her life is a lot less hectic. She no longer has to shuttle her kids to and from school and practices, and as teenagers, her kids are much more self-sufficient.

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"For me, my son driving is huge," says Bark. "I have him do everything."

When they were younger, Burk says if she needed some space, she simply told her kids that.

"If I just wanted to watch a movie and read a book, I would say 'Okay, I'm going to go in my room. I love you, but you can't come in,'" says Burk.

"That's just my time."

Having the mental and physical space allowed her to decompress, but also emphasized the importance of alone time to her kids.

"I think it's important to teach your kids about solitude. That you can go in your room, and you're not going to watch TV, but you're going to read a book."

Burk says she also cherished the few hours she had every morning before her kids woke up. Starting the day off with prayer and reading, the space and time for reflection made all the difference.

"That's why I think the rest of my day -- not that it's perfect or totally smooth -- (is) pretty okay," says Burk.

She's also learned as her kids have gotten older that it's okay for them to not be doing something all the time. While parents might want kids to be involved in as many extracurricular activities as possible, it may not be worth it in the long run.

"That is stressful for you as a parent," says Burk. "Your kids don't need to be everywhere."

Above all, Burk says she found that being organized was one of the best tools to fighting the stress of motherhood.

"If you just are organized and you stick to the plan, then the 'Omigod, take me away,' isn't so much necessary."

Think outside the box

While homeschooling requires her to take care of her kids virtually 24 hours a day, seven days a week, Augustine says she rarely craves time away from them.

"I think a lot of times what it is, everyone has a different construct of what... adult time is. If you build that into your daily life, then you don't really need to decompress," says Augustine.

She says she works "me time" into her schedule on a regular basis, instead of trying to take elaborate time-outs to the spa.

"My advice is to kind of think outside the box," says Augustine. "Me time doesn't have to be an hour in a bubble bath with a book. For me, when my sons are taking a nap my "me time" comes very spontaneously."

She can have much-needed adult conversations by having friends and neighbors come over to enjoy a cup of tea or coffee while watching their kids play together. When she has time alone, she can use it for reflection, or simply to chill out and take a nap.

But, if her older son asks if he can go swimming or hang out with a friend, Augustine doesn't hesitate. "My son will come home and he'll be like, 'hey mom, my friend has got the pool out. Can I go swimming?' YES."

Augustine also makes sure her sons spend time sitting quietly -- either studying or playing -- before she gives them her undivided attention.

"I personally believe that if kids feel as if they know they're going to get time -- my son calls it 'mommy time' -- he's okay with sitting by himself," says Augustine.

When she's ready, she lets her son talk to her about whatever he wants. While sometimes he talks about books, the topics are predictable for a 9-year-old.

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Friday, July 30, 2010